TODAY'S JOKE READ AS MANY JOKES AS YOU WANT

TODAY’S JOKE

AKPOS GOES TOMARKET

Akpos was asked to go and buy things in the market. Due to akpos illiteracy, his madam gave him a list to help him buy accurately.

LIST

Maggi             10 naira

Salt        50 naira

Oil         200 naira

Fish        400 naira

Total       660 naira

      So Akpos left the house around 11 am and at 3 pm he is not yet back from the market. The madam was so worried and decided to call Akpos on phone.

Madam: hello Akpos what is holding you? You have stayed too long; what happened:

AKPOS: replied: I have bought the magi, salt, oil, and fish but am looking for total you include to in the list you gave me. I have gone round the market but nobody has total but am lucky because, I met a man here who directed me to total petrol station. So am on my way to the petrol station to check whether I will see total and buy.

JUST ONLY ONE WORD FOR AKPOS

A naked lady ran into Akpos’ Taxi. She told the driver where she was going.

Akpos didn’t start the car was just staring at the woman over and over again.

The lady looked at him and said, “What’s your problem, man? Haven’t you see a naked lady before? Akpos replied, “I am not looking at your nakedness. I was just wondering where you kept the money you are going to pay me.

JOHN VISITED HIS FRIEND EAZY

EAZY called his wife and asked here to serve them drinks. When the wife was done within the serving, she sat down right opposite JOHN with her leg opens, john could not control himself so he enjoyed the view.

When EAZY went inside the house, EAZYS’ wife said to John, do you like what you see? John said YES EAZYS wife said to john that you can have it, but it will only cost you 10,000 naira. John agreed so they fixed a time 12pm the next day when the husband EAZY would be at work.

The next day, JOHN came over at the exact time and they enjoyed themselves then he paid her, when EAZY came back, this was transpired between them.

EAZY! Honey has john here today? Wife! (Afraid) yes Easy! At 12pm right? Wife! (Almost Fainting) yes, EAZY! At good friend, always keeping time… wife: honey why do you ask? EAZY! He came over to my office this morning and borrow 10,000 naira from me promising to bring it back to you at the house by 12pm so did he bring it? The wife fainted. One word for john?

IBU THE SCHOOL BOY

IBU was coming back from school singing out loud and dancing like nobody’s tuck shop … his parent wondering why Ibu was so happy and decided to ask him.

IBU: mom and dad next year you won’t be buying any textbook, note book or any study materials,

PARENT: that’s my boy...... who gave you scholarship?

IBU: no one … I’m repeating the same class again.

One word for IBU………………

AT THE BEACH

AKPOS was enjoying the sun at the beach in Lekki when lady came and ask him, are you relaxing?

AKPOS replied: No, I am AKPOS!....

A man came and asked him the same question.

Akpos replied, “No!  No! I am Akpos!....

Later on a little girl came and asked him same question again, Akpos became angry and decided to move way. While walking, he saw a guy sunbathing. He went up to him and asked” are you relaxing?

He replied, “yes, I am relaxing” Akpos give him a hot slap on his face He screamed, “foolish man, is it not you everybody is looking for?

A GIRL AND THE PSYCHIATRIST

GIRL: I have sinned, I called my boyfriend a BASTARD

PSYCHIATRIST: well, now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? The psychiatrist kissed the girl

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’ top

GIRL: Yes

PSYCHIATRIST: Well tha’s no reason to call him a BASTARD

GIRL: But he took my clothes off

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothe

GIRL: Yes

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD

GIRL: He had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this the psychiatrist had sex with the girl Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD

GIRL: But, he told me he had AIDS

PSYCHIATRIST:   BASTARDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

FATHER IN-LAW

FATHER-IN-LAW: young man, u’re coming to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re chewing gum, that’s a sign of disrespect!

MAN: sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

FATHER-IN-LAW: You mean you drink & smoke and u’re here to seek my daughter’ hand in marriage?

MAN: Sir I only drink & smoke when I go to club

FATHER-IN-LAW: You club too?

MAN: I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of the prison

FATHER-IN-LAW: U’ve also been in prison before? Oh my god!

MAN: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed somebody

FATHER-IN-LAW: What!!!! U’re a killer???

MAN: It happened out of anger, it was certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his daughter so I killed him

FATHER-IN-LAW: U are highly welcome my son u are on the right track, u’re absolutely the right man for    my daughter. Do you need money to do the engagement ring and the other thing?

One word for both of them

I’M IN LOVE

GIRL: I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on face book, had long chats on whatSapp, proposed to each other on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.

I need your blessing and good wishes daddy.

DADDY SAID: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on 2go, buy kids on e-bay, send them through VS via g-mail and if you are fed up with your husband sell him on Amazon

Nonsense generation!!!

WEDDING TEXT

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little things bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister, my prospective 21 year old sister-in-law, always wore very tight miniskirts.

And often times was bra-less she would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than nice view.

      One day her little sister called and asked me to come ober to check the wedding invitations she was alone when I arrieved and she whispered to me that she had feellings and desires for me that she couldn’t obercome she told me that she wanted me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word, she said, I’m going upstairs to my room, and if u want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs, I stood there for a moment, then turned and headed straight to my front door, I opened the dor, and headed straight towards my car, behold my future family were standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-lawhugged me and said “we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter welcome to the family.

I smile and heaved a sigh of relief because I was actually heading to my car to get condoms…..

NA GOD SAVE ME O!!!!

GULTY OR NOT

Akpos was arrested by the police and taken to court.

MAGISTATE: Akpos, you were arrested on the expressway for abruptly stopping your car in the middle of the road and causing 10 other vehicles behind you to run into once another hereby causing damages and injuries. Are you guilty or not?

AKPOS: I’m not guilty sir

What is your defense?

I heard the national anthem on the car radio and as a good citizen, I stopped immediately and stood at attention.

PLS AM I GUILTY

JOBA AND AKPOS

JOBA: Akpos, why are you always on Facebook?

AKPOS: I like Facebook & I’m always there for one thing. It’s the only place where you can like another man’s wife without getting slapped.

To be continue

FOOTBALL LEGEND “DIDIER DROGBA” TO RETIRE FROM FOOTBALL

 

New reports have revealed that Chelsea striker, Didier Drogba, might be retiring from playing football.

The 36-year-old football legend reportedly dropped a hint that he will hang up his boot at the end of this current campaign at Stamford Bridge.

He recently said in an interview with Chelsea TV;

“This year the key for me is to enjoy my football and to be with my team-mates and to win trophies.

There is one more year to go so let’s do it, let’s win more trophies, let’s make history again.”

One of the greatest players in Chelsea history, the Ivorian has scored 160 goals for the club; only Frank Lampard, Bobby Tabling and Kerry Dixon have more.

READ MORE

 

OBASANJO PLOTTING TO EXTRADITE ME TO THE US- BURUJI KASHAMU ALLEGES

 

Chieftain of the PDP, and Senator-elect for Ogun East Senatorial District, Prince Buruji Kashamu, has raised alarm over what he describes as a plan by former President Obasanjo to instigate local and foreign security agencies to arrest him in Nigeria and extradite him to the US, to answer to some alleged drug-related charges. Recall that Prince Kashamu was the one who got the Federal High court order that banned the former President's autobiography, My Watch, which has now been vacated by the same court.

Prince Kashamu had accused Chief Obasanjo of dedicating some portions of his book on his alleged involvement in drug pushing and an allegation that he is a wanted fugitive in America, a subject matter he said had already been surrendered to a competent court of jurisdiction.

In a letter titled "Prince Buruji Kashamu: Abduction Plans By United States of America Agents in Collaboration with Law Enforcement Agencies in Nigeria.”  sent to the National Human Rights Commission NHRC signed by his lawyer, Mr Ajibola Oluyede dated April 15th, Prince Kashamu 

said the former President's plans to extradite him to the US is a form of revenge against him for the comprehensive political defeat he (Obasanjo) suffered because of Kashamu in the PDP.

"Kashamu has instructed that we bring certain important facts and records to your attention with regard to the illegality of this plan and the malicious and unpatriotic motives of those behind it and seek your urgent intervention in accordance with the jurisdiction expressly given to your commission by the National Human Rights Act 1995 as amended to carry out and inquiry into the matter in order to establish the culpability and compromise of certain institution in this despicable plan and to protect our client’s fundamental human right to liberty, life and dignity of the person. Kashamu’s enquiry revealed that indeed there had been moves by US officials within the region to secure the assistance of the head of the INTERPOL division in Nigeria, Mr Solomon Arase, a Deputy Inspector General, for the arrest and delivery to the US officials of Kashamu for transportation to the US without following the due process required by the Nigeria Extradition Act. Mr. Kashamu’s informant revealed that Arase has confirmed that one Donna Chabot approached him in January 2015. The said Ms Chabot is an attache with the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement at the American Embassy route Des Almedies BP 49 Dakar Senegal and requested that INTERPOL Nigeria assist in the abduction of Kashamu for the purpose of his forcible transportation to the US to face trial before Judge Norgel" the statement in part reads

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NIGERIANS LIVING IN DURBAN SOUTH AFRICA VOW TO FIGHT BACK, BATTLE LINE DRAWN

 

A group of Nigerians living in Mahatma Gandhi Road in Durban have vowed to defend themselves if attacked by the locals.

Solomon Okoro, 31, according to iol.co.za, said they have been receiving threatening messages but were alert and prepared for any trouble if police are not willing to protect them. He said they would have guns, knives and bottles ready. Okoro said they have no choice but to defend themselves if under attack.

“It is not like we do not know how to fight. It would not be a good thing because this is not our country, we are not here to fight. Also local people are our friends, we eat and drink together. Those fighting are racist – they cannot live side by side with other Africans.

We (did) a lot for this country during apartheid. But now that everything is hunky dory we are being attacked… This smacks of hypocrisy,” he said.

Okoro is happily married to a Zulu wife and claims that if he had to go back to Nigeria, it would have a negative effect on his child. He disputed the accusation that the Nigerians living in the Point area were involved in crime.

“I come from the Igbo tribe. I am a king’s son and I came here with lots of money to set up a clothing shop. Most of us are businessmen who have contributed to the economy by employing locals in our hair salons and shops.

These are just greedy people who cannot stand our success… If these accusations are anything to go by, why not report those involved in crime to police? Not every foreigner is a drug dealer,” Okoro said.

Emmanuel Ike, 35, said his government had given South Africa an ultimatum to come up with a solution, otherwise they would close down all South African businesses.

“There are more than 240 SA businesses in my country and all of them come with their own staff, so to say we are taking your jobs is nonsense. We should be questioning why you are not employing our people back home.”

We are a hard working nation who do not look for handouts from the government. We work for ourselves,” Ike said.

Kumba Samou, 42, of Liberia said he had received a desperate call from his mother asking about his well-being.

“We are seeing what is happening on television. If you are not safe, please come home. I do not want you to die there,” she said.